The Things Of Life.

For my regular readers, you know I put it all out there. It might be too much information for some but for me, it's therapeutic to let my story be known. To get everything that is festering inside of me... out of my body and into the world. Maybe someone can offer me some great advice, maybe people read it and think I am a drama queen. Whatever the case, it's my life and I want to share it.

So what's going on in Abbyland today? Well, it's Tuesday. I spent last night listening to my son cough every 2 to 3 minutes throughout the night. I am a part of MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) and Tuesdays are the day we get to go. This is a great opportunity for me to meet up with other moms of toddlers. I get to see that they are just as frazzled as I am and needing that couple hour break, too. I am blessed enough to sit with a group of amazing women. My sister Anna is a mother of twins... and she is my twin. So we, naturally, got sat at the twin table. Early on I was afraid I might not be able to relate to people... or maybe I would get left out since I cannot relate directly to having twins. But I have been so pleasantly surprised by how accepting and genuine every single woman is at our table. We have real conversations about life and love, children, motherhood or the latest and greatest find for moms. It has been so refreshing for me. Sometimes I just don't know how other moms do it. I have one little guy. He is so sweet and, yes, we have our melt downs, but for the most part he is a really great kid who listens and learns very fast. So when I see mothers walking in there with 3 or 4 toddlers, I just think, wow. I could never do that. I can barely stay sane with one. So what's my point? I love MOPs. It is a chance for me to connect with great people. It really has been a blessing for me. For those other mommies out there, I would recommend getting connected into a MOPs group. It's for anyone who has a child who is not yet in grade school. This also includes you pregnant mommies out there. You will meet real, genuine people who care. What do you have to lose, right? Right. So now that we have that settled, I will move on to why I decided to blog on this day.

I look out the window in front of me. it's sunny. Barely any clouds in the sky. Merritt has been sleeping for a while so I got the chance to cut up all my veggies for the week, have my favorite snack of apples and peanut butter and I got a chance to sit down for a moment and just have a quiet house. It's been a good day. Not to mention I had a vegan burrito from Taco Del Mar for lunch... one of my most favorite meals these days. Yummy. But with the cloudless sky, there is still one of those sad little black clouds hanging over me today. I am extremely emotional today. And yesterday I was too. It was two years ago yesterday that I last saw my Grandpa alive. We knew he didn't have much time left with him. I could barely bring myself to visit him. I didn't think I wanted to remember him that way, laying in bed, barely aware of his surroundings. But I loved him too much to not go. So I went. I got there and it was just us. Me, Grandpa and Grandma. And he wasn't as bad as I expected. He was pale and weak and he knew he was near the end... but he was almost peaceful. I talked to him a bit and told him how much I love him. I don't think I could have expressed my full feelings for him. He will never know what a blessing he was in my life. I have so many wonderful memories of taking walks with him, going fishing, sitting on his knee listening to tall stories about his pet horse who lived up in the mountains. Those are some of the things that I will remember in my last days. How lucky I was to have a Grandfather like him. I left that day from their house feeling so lost. Hayden and I and our whole family had already experienced so much tragedy in the last 12 months... how could it be that I was now going to lose one of the most important people in my life. I have to be honest. I was really starting to lose faith. I cried the rest of the night. Cried and cried and cried. I don't know that I had any tears left after all the crying I did in that year. The next day we were going about our usual business. It was a Saturday. I was upstairs doing some cleaning and Hayden called me down. I was so carefree that day. It was a day like today. Sunny and beautiful. And Hayden said that they had just called and Grandpa was gone. I thought I was ready for that news but it hit me like a ton of bricks. That was it. He was really gone. He said good-bye to this world in one of the best ways I have ever heard of. Most of his children were sitting around him... holding their hands on him. They were praying and some were singing. And they led him into the kingdom of God in a way that was peaceful and graceful and relaxed. So although I am so very sad to say that my Grandpa has been gone for 2 years now, I do have to say that he went to the Lord so gracefully and for that I cannot be sad. It snowed the day of his funeral. It really was perfect and beautiful. But I still get those pangs of heartache when I see little things or when I hear certain songs.

When he first got sick, I had given him my teddy bear. It was the bear that Hayden gave me right after we started dating. My blue bear because he could not find a bear with blue eyes. I have blue eyes like my Grandpa, so I thought it was only fitting that he have that bear to keep him company and to hold on to. I thought it was kinda silly but for some reason I really felt compelled to let him borrow my bear. And I can't even tell you how many times over the next few years that I showed up and Grandpa would be curled up, asleep on the couch with that bear in his arms. And on that last day... there was the bear, above his hospital bed in the living room. So I went over to the house the other day... my sister Anna and her husband have purchased my Grandparent's house. And there it was. My blue bear, sitting there, staring back at me... this when I have had this sad outlook, knowing that this anniversary was approaching. I really feel like my Grandpa is looking down on me from Heaven and he doesn't want me to be sad anymore. So I figured he doesn't need the bear anymore. I have it again and I plan to hold onto that bear forever. So if you are ever going through a rough patch and need to borrow him to lend you some comfort, just let me know. But you can't keep him. Merritt has his "Papa Bear" that Sherry made out of fabric from Steve's shirt... and I have my Franklin bear. I am not a little girl anymore. Life has barreled it's way through and I have a bit of a rougher exterior now. But I will always be my Grandpa's little girl. And there will always be a little piece of my heart missing until that day that I get to see him again. In memory of my Grandpa I am going to head off to visit his grave sight today. I have not been there since he was buried. I guess I felt like it would make it too real. But I have to let him go and remember the things that he taught me... how to get through the hard times so that you can enjoy the good times even more. He had so many great words of advice in our hardest days, after losing a baby and losing a dad. I have to take the things he taught me and pass them on so others can benefit from the simple truth that you are never given more than you can handle.

So to my Grandpa, I love and miss you everyday. Thank you for the memories. When I get where I'm going, on the far side of the sky, the first things I'm gonna do is spread my wings and fly. I'm gonna land beside a lion and run my fingers through his mane... or I might find out what it's like, to ride a drop of rain. When I get where I'm going, they'll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years. I will leave my heart wide open. I will love and have no fear. Yeah, when I get where I am going, don't cry for me down here. I'm gonna walk with my Grand Daddy and he'll match me step for step. And I'll tell him how much I've missed him every minute since he left... and then I'll hug his neck. When I get where I'm going... I know this will be true. I love you Grandpa. Hugs from me here to you up there.

Abby